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26 February 2007 @ 08:16 pm

Heaven forbid I use a journal I pay for in the way I want.
Today's Mood Swing: disappointedSuicidal
21 February 2007 @ 04:32 pm

An entire week early I have yet another breakdown, I've been keeping a journal of my panic attacks and their severity for the last week and today felt so bad that I booked in an emergency appointment with the doctors... what brought on this stressed related screaming crying and rocking in my chair breakdown you ask? None other than my overbearing stress inducing boss who calls up and tells scott to tell me that shes "coming over for an Occupational health assessment" = she does not believe me.
So anyway I snap, go to the doctors and legally my boss has no right to hassle me about this at all as the doctor has already provided me a sick note for two weeks. Also as my boss is not a qualified doctor her arriving at my doorsteps will induce more stress and is unacceptable professional behaviour for a patient in my condition.

So basically, I'm stressed, had my medication changed again, breakdown and cringe and cry at the mere sound of the telephone going, and oh yes, I have to go to the government for sickpay now as I have now used my work contracted sick pay.

And my doctor says that if they continue to chase me like this or "halt my recovery" as she put it. Then I should go above the head of my branch and take out legal action as they knew from the start that I was on anti depressants and therefore by the disabilities act they should make allowances for that fact and not pile on the pressure.

Today's Mood Swing: confusedBreakdown
15 February 2007 @ 09:27 am
- Diazepam 5mg
- Citalopram 20mg
- Fluxotine 20mg
- Micronor daily

I'm writing to you as a diagnoised Anxiety Disorder Manic Depressive, Bipolar disorder type two, who suffers from extreme panic attacks.

I am taking several tablets daily to keep my conditions under control. My panic attacks are becoming worse, the self harming is starting up again and even though I am surrounded by people offering support I have never felt more alone right now. 
The second Scott leaves for work I break, I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be at my parents either, I can't decide what is worse, being alone and unstable or being watched knowing that they all know I'm unstable. Everytime I hear the phone ring I tense up, knowing its my boss calling to shout at me about letting the team down and about always being a mess and off ill. I haven't answered the phone once in over four days, just the sound of it terrifies me and starts another attack. Then I take Diazepam and become a zombie for a while and for a couple of hours the world becomes a numb blurr of non caring and forgiveness, my body is forced to relax, I feel tired and the nerves go and I know right now I could live like this for the rest of my life, with this false feeling of security these little yellow tablets can provide. 

Diazepam is a highly addictive and strong sedative.
Serious withdrawl symptoms can result when stopping frequent use of this drug. Such side effects being but not limited to:  Anterograde amnesia and  Reflex tachycardia . More serious withdrawl symptoms have been known to lead to comas and in rare cases even death. 

My doctor has signed me off from work for two weeks, but has told me that I will need to come back to her in two weeks for a review and that if I am no better she is willing to sign me off for as along as it takes. All the symptoms are there and she is very worried about self harm and suicidal thoughts. So she wants me to cut work off completely, and to not put myself under any un-needed stress right now. Being signed off offically makes it their problem and not mine. 
I'm walking a very thin line between almost temporary sanity and utter collapse. 
After two weeks I have to go back and see her again and she said if there is no improvement she'll asign me to the hospital and get me checked in for a psychiatric evaluation. From there I'm not exactly sure what happens, but I just want to get to that point.

Until then I have to cope, stay relaxed, treat myself and try to stay calm, ignore the things that upset me and try my hardest to avoid anything even remotely stressful. This is the only way I will avoid another breakdown like on Tuesday. This is my second mental breakdown in about a month, each time it gets worse, Scott had to hold me down to pry the knife from my fingers and I think I lashed out and hit him while trying to get it back, but I honestly can't remember. But luckily he's much bigger than I am and was able to hold me against the floor until I had calmed down enough and gave up fighting and instead turned to screaming and sobbing.  Then my parents arrived to take me to the hospital. 

Right now my brain is swimming and the world is an interesting blur everytime I move, but thats just the tranqualisers setting in I have decided this feeling is pleasant rather than unnerving, mainly because it has to be pleasant or I'm back to square one.
Today's Mood Swing: blahblah
03 February 2007 @ 12:41 am
Today's Mood Swing: ecstaticLMFAO
Today's Background Noise: Brain Stew - Greenday
30 January 2007 @ 12:10 am
Title: Wanton Whispers
Fandom: Yu-Gi-Oh
Characters: Seto & Mokuba Kaiba
For: 30_friends
Themes: Long Distance & Promise
Also posted to: ygo_yaoi & locketpair

Warnings: Adult content, incest, Mokuba is 16 Seto is 22, because no matter how twisted I am I can't lower my self to the line of consent :P A sorta half assed not-really sequal to Only You. I'm not 100% happy with this yet.... so I may come back to it.

Today's Mood Swing: crankycranky